Couple: how do you know if it’s love or habit?

After several years of relationships, everyday life and routine can decline. How to know if it is stilllove or usual, the comfort of life? How can you be sure that you are in a relationship for the right reasons? Evelyne Dillenseger, couples therapist and sexologist, helps us see things more clearly and ask ourselves the right questions.

Is the couple happy in their routine?

If each pair is unique, love affair often goes through different stages. “In the beginning, there is love at first sight, the state of passion, ups and downs and then little by little habits are created “, explains Evelyne Dillenseger, couple therapist. One must understand that love and habit can all quite live together, according to our specialist. “We can love each other and have habits. LHabits are also reassuring for some, they are rituals that only belong to the couple “, she insists.

Routine is inevitable. It is even desirable. It is what gives a comfort in life, of relationship to two. We like to meet for rituals, a TV set, weekends always a little on the same model. Friday night in front of Koh-Lanta, Sunday brunch at mother-in-law or even Wednesday movie night are part of these little routines shared with the other who is doing well. It is important to differentiate couple of habits which brings joy to those who harm him. “You need to hear the other in his complaint when the habit is no longer a pleasure,” Evelyne Dillenseger adds. The dangerous thing about routine is that we can end up living side by side without seeing each other, without talking. Hence the interest in surprises, things “that change” introduced from time to time.

The signs that show that it is usually more than love

More signals translate into a relationship based on habit and more truly on love.

  • You are no longer communicating

Caught in the daily grind, you no longer take the time to chat together. And by chatting, we are not talking about what to eat in the evening or remember to pay the electricity bill. “We know each other so well that we do not even see our partner anymore. We do not even talk to him or her anymore because we know what he or she will answer. These are also the habits: Knowing each other too much “, points out Evelyne Dillenseger. While at the beginning of your romantic relationship you liked to put the world together for hours, these conversations are becoming more and more rare, even non-existent.

  • You take your relationship for granted

We are no longer seen, we sometimes live as roommates or just as parents. Because we organized our roles in such a way that it became mechanical habits. We move away because we have a busy job, children, hobbies, and we say to ourselves that the couple is well, it’s in their pocket, it’s a rolling business “, explains the therapist It’s all a matter of balance It’s important that the partners each have free time, but that does not mean that you have to completely disinvest in the relationship.

  • You can no longer tolerate the other person’s presence

Divorce disputes are becoming more and more frequent. “We no longer support each other. We no longer do each other good, the other bothers us, terrifies us. We avoid each other, we no longer want to spend time with each other,” the expert emphasizes. In some extreme cases, partners develop one form of rejection of the other both physically and on a par with his personality. Its shortcomings are obvious to you. One becomes almost “allergic” to his presence and can no longer bear his peculiarities or smell.

  • Tenderness and affection become rare

“There are no more declarations of love, the partners no longer tell each other that they love each other, they avoid each other,” Evelyne Dillesenger continues. Little attention, words of love, tender gestures, all these things that create intimacy are becoming more and more rare. “When we have too many habits, we are no longer a couple who love each other, who notice each other, and who spend time together.”

  • You’re not making plans together anymore

You no longer do joint projects. You want to go on a trip in a few months, but you’re wondering if you really want to be with your partner? Do you always find an excuse to avoid excursions in pairs? This is a factor that can warn you about the state of your relationship.

  • You do not miss each other anymore

If you do not miss each other, if you do not think about your spouse at all, if you feel like you are alive again, breathing and being yourself as soon as you are no longer in the other person’s presence, maybe it’s time to move on .

Why do we get used to it together?

Admit that torque no longer works is nothing obvious. The reason why some people prefer to remain in denial. “There are couples who want to avoid this communication who do not want to discuss it because they are afraid that the other will say ‘finally, maybe our story has an end'”, Evelyne analyzes Dillenseger. “These couples stay together for the sake of material comfort, for the children, because there is a social role, for Afraid of the unknownloneliness “, describes our expert.

The fear of being alone is all the more present among those who suffer from a feeling of abandonment. When one of the members of the couple earns less than the other or does not work, there is the prospect of having to take care of themselves financially, look for a new home or even pay for a lawyer in connection with a divorce, all elements are not encourages you to break up. But stay together for comfort can lead to a feeling of discomfort, deep melancholy, an almost depressive state.

What to do when the couple has a harmful habit?

First, accept the situation. For Evelyn Dillenseger, asking the question of what holds us together is very healthy: “This shows that there are already questions about the relationship with the partner. It means that we make a point that we ask ourselves questions, and that is always good as a basis for discussion with the other. “Taking stock of the relationship from time to time and cleaning up his habits can avoid reaching a point of no Return.

In order not to fall into a harmful routine, it is essential that cultivate love. “To get out of the routine and reconnect with each other, one has to surprise oneself again, spice up the relationship, be surprised, make plans together,” advises the couple therapist. “Each of the partners has a responsibility in their couple. It’s not one’s or the other’s fault,” she recalls. If feelings of love and attachment is quite strong and still present, it is possible to find balance by speaking, by looking for solutions to overcome difficulties and by finding compromises. The rest can be done with a couples therapist. Once the routine has definitely replaced emotions, there is no need to insist. It is better to face the facts and be honest with yourself and your partner.

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