the 4 pillars in a strong pair

To take marital care and managing his sentimental life is not an easy task. And this at all ages of life. The proof in numbers: The number of divorces is increasing among seniors. In 2016, more than one in three divorces involved people aged 50 and over, three times more than in 1996.

“I think there are three types of separation,” says psychoanalyst Fabienne Kraemer, who points out:

According to a study by in 2013 the main reasons why women separate Is there the end of emotions (39.7%), and infidelity (36.5%), and lie (29.3%) or for frequent quarrels (29.1%). Of menresidenthe reasons are often different: it is firstly because they not ready to commit in a relationship (15%), or that they are tired of go in the background (10%) or even because of poor hygiene of their partner (10%) or for frequent quarrels (10%).

To have a successful life as a couple, the specialist believes it is necessary Build the pair step by step. “In the first place, you must not never believe that the other is finally acquired”She insists.

In his book I take care of my coupleoffers the psychoanalyst a method of finding harmony in the couple, especially thanks to four pillars on which it rests: participation, lovethat respect andobligation. This is what she calls the “CARE” philosophy, a word that comes from the English term “to take care of”. “They are the synthesis of many years of observing couples, experimenting with couples and listening to patients,” she explains on her part.

Between complicity and love

Partners must be complicit

According to the psychoanalyst, the complicity between the two partners is essential for the good balance of a couple. “To be complicit is to have one common vision of life, of common values, a common sense of humor, ”she argues. It is thanks to this participation that the duo can stand up by standing behind the same opinion in front of others.

It would also oblige each of the partners to be loyal to each other. “Even in his absence, it is she who forces us to be aware of what could harm the other… Every time participation is undermined, one wonders about the interest in being with each other ”.

Do not confuse love with being in love

The second pillar of a solid relationship is easy to guess: it’s it lovea feeling that has nothing to do with being in love according to the psychoanalyst. “You can be in love with someone who is extremely toxic, you can even be attached to them or even alienated. What matters is love, that is. the fact of loving the other for what he is and not for what one wants him to be”.
While time “kills” the state of love, it has no influence on love. It is the conflicts, the “mistakes”, that call into question our ability to continue living together.

Dare to be committed while respecting others

Full respect for the beloved

“Respect is not divisive or limited, it is total or not at all. it is respect the other in all circumstances and at all times, ”Claims the psychoanalyst. “Of course be in consent, do not insult, do not insult, do not hurt, do not offend, do not mess with the other person’s business, do not access their accounts, their social network, their phone, his computer, so as not to get in touch with his friends, his exes … ”. Respect is especially crucial to facing a conflict without reaching separation.

Dare to commit

Commitment to a couple does not necessarily go through marriage, child or house. It can be experienced as a “joint project, a future thought together and again consented to two ”.

To sum up, it is the absence of complicity that makes you doubt the other’s choice, the absence of love that prevents you from keeping your distance, the absence of respect that pushes you to leave the other, and the absence of commitment that encourages treason, ”concludes specialist Fabienne Kraemer.

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