IN Fatal by Louis Malle, in fall in love with Robert De Niro and Meryl Streep or recently through Imaginative lovers by Xavier Dolan, the theme of love triangle is often discussed in the cinema. And with good reason, the subject matter’s intrigue and scenarios are endless. But what about real life? What happens if we fall in love with a complete stranger on Christmas Eve? And by the way, can this situation really happen to anyone? Dr. Garnero helps us see things more clearly through several areas of reflection, in particular loving passionthat guiltof stress and D ‘anguishor even the issue of infidelity and the management of the couple.
‘The vast majority of people can not really love only one creature at a timeby the simple fact that libidothat sexualitythat emotions andattached file attach to the beloved. All amorous thoughts are thus focused on a single partner, which contributes to the state of loving passion in a psychological process of falling in love, ”says the specialist. This amorous passion is this driving force that pushes us irresistibly towards the other of drive roadwithout always being able to explain it. As a result, this “obsession with the other” is generally built into the initial momentum of the relationship, “and it therefore concerns the chosen being and not more people”.
According to the psychologist, an individual does not develop romantic feelings for two people at the same time at any point in the relationship. This phenomenon often occurs in a phase where we have passed this moment of initial passion in the first couple, and the effect of meeting another person often takes place in one other relationship time. Therefore, there is almost never synchronization in the passion of love for two people at the same time, or at least it is not about the same love or loving feeling”, Analyzes the doctor of psychology, Sébastien Garnero. ‘On the other hand, one can experience romantic feelings for two people at the same time, however in a differentiated way in a search for complementarityand of narcissistic completeness. “
As the psychologist explains, it is actually possible to be deeply attached to one’s spouse and sometimes fall in love with another. This then happens in one specific context in which the individual has to fill in certain gaps through a parallel relationship.
Polyamori: a gap to fill?
“In this situation, it often happens that one has evolved over time, a tender, emotional and sensual love affair in his couple, and with the other new relationship, a passionate fashion and a sexuality of lovers ”, the psychotherapist argues.
The pursuit of the complementarity of a lost love
But these incipient feelings towards others can also find their origin in that they the relationship is no longer satisfactory for the two main characters.
“Sometimes it is loss of participation, privacy with the primary partner who will create this bridge towards a double love relationship with another ”. The passage of time, professional constraints, routine or even the arrival of children in the couple can thus affect the relationship in a deep and insidious way. Loss of intimacy, half-mast sexuality, lack of communication … If the new relationship for one of the partners will be satisfactory, it will not necessarily be for the other who will no longer find his accountdespite emotions still present.
Some people are more disposed than others
Some are more inclined to have this type of relationship than others. “It is often people who have one separation problem, of affiliationWhere narcissistic in need of seduction, chronic infidelity (…). They are generally unable to part, to leave, to lose something. Take effect, leave asks to get out of comfortbut also requires the courage to move towards another destiny, by accepting the loss of a connection to living a different love story “.
For still others, this amorous passion may arise from one desire for adventureof one feeling of excitement or “by all means”, as this condition “of experience two states of love at the same timevery often and unfortunately at the expense of one of the two, or even of the two partners in love. “In this case, there are long-term risksand above all the fact “to not really have any true love affair, to always be in a search for novelty, narcissistic completeness, false love achievements and live in constant indecisionto the detriment of others. “” I have too big a heart and a lot of love to give “, the Youtuber Sauvane summed up simply in a video where she came out as polyamorous in July 2018.
Double love: conflicting emotions
Once the emotions have subsided, the individual may be confused, uncomfortable, even literal tired of this situation. Several reactions and behaviors are then possible, depending on each character and morality.
Cheat or quit?
For some individuals it is also “a narcissistic search for wholeness between two poles of love that they are looking for, without wanting to give up their previous attachment “. Keeping up will therefore be harder than cheating.. But this rule does not apply to everyone, and according to the psychologist, this type of relationship will even inconceivable to “whole people” in relation to love. Because of “their values, their types of attachment, and their perception of the monogamous couple,” they would prefer to leave rather than cheat, or else do not act on this incipient desire for another.
Lots of stress and anxiety
“Few people are truly capable of living a double love life quietly. without feelings of tension, anxiety and stress ”, assures the psychologist.
Thus, only those who, for ideological and philosophical reasons for the notion of “non-exclusive couples” choose this lifestyle, manage to live these love situations without guilt.
New idyll, overcome it as a couple
What if, against all odds and almost against our will, a romantic relationship develops with others when we do not want to especially so as not to ruin his marital relationship and that this feeling does not correspond to our ideology?
Playing the honesty card is a matter of perspective
“When that happens, it will all depend on the type of couple, the tacit contract between the two members we are in, and partner’s personality“, Assesses the doctor of psychology.
“For some couples are total transparency of emotions is the rule. For others, each one her secret garden. In the story of one lasting couple, think of anotheror sometimes even fantasizing and having a certain desire for another person, does not necessarily mean to be in love”. In this case, there is not necessarily a reason to bring something to light that can only be a fleeting feeling, especially so as not to hurt the other.
But as a general rule, when a wish is born for another person, especially if it is consumed, repeated, and begins to decline over time, revealing it will remain the best approach. “Talking about it becomes necessary not to enter into a double life consisting of lies and deception. which only gets worse with time ”.
Sometimes the help of a therapist is needed
Being honest and sincere in your couple is not an easy task for everyone, especially because you may be afraid of the other person’s gazethat we do not want to hurt him or break the marital relationship that still excites us on a daily basis. But according to the psychologist, “dared to face this couple of crisis that already exists in realitywill allow get out of this dilemmaof this trial, of overcome itor to resolve to share on good terms”.
Sometimes consulting a specialist is crucial “in the context of individual and / or couple psychotherapy, to take stock of yourselfhis life journeyand his couple to start on a good foundationWhere get a fresh start in life”.
Loving one person your whole life is a traditional concept and a social norm that tends to become rare. To avoid separation, some decide tochoose free union to be able to satisfy their desires while maintaining the lasting and loving relationship with their partner or companion. “It is this notion of trust in the other that takes over and authorizes this free relationship,” confirms Marie-Claude Trèlia, journalist at RTL. According to her, “our affiliations do well over time, but that is not always the case with our desires, which can change”.