Marriage is a lifelong commitment to the beloved. But the observation we make more and more is that the unions do not last long. The zeal from the first moments of married life in many cases leaves room for heartache and breakup. So how to build a solid marriage that withstands time and difficulty, that’s what we wanted to know, by talking to Jean Bosco Kaboré, psychologist and marriage counselor in a helping relationship. For this couple life therapist, the accompaniment of a specialist is necessary, from the journey to the commitment through marriage and even afterwards. Read instead.
Lefaso.net: What are the good reasons why one should decide to get married?
Jean Bosco Kaboré: The reasons are specific, everyone must have a valid reason. The first reason is to know that marriage is about making a choice because you have a goal and a goal. The best reason is when you have a plan for life, love and above all friendship. As long as there is no friendship between a man and a woman, there will be no authentic, mature and responsible relationship. Friendship will give birth to love. It is also necessary to have a life project of listening, attention and tenderness, of laughter and smiles together. Many people get married without a life plan. The real reason we should get married is that we have a life plan that goes beyond falling in love. Falling in love is not enough to get married. You must have a mature, authentic and responsible life project.
Do you need to have certain skills before you get married?
The life project, as long as it is mature and responsible, imposes abilities on us. We must have a disciplined life. That is why I rather said that marriage is the result of a choice and a conception. When we talk about a disciplined life, there is ethical morality, there is what to do that allows the family to flourish. For in marriage there is a moral law, there are principles. And the disciplined life is based on respect, attentive listening, seeking understanding and acceptance.
How to prepare for life as a couple?
In preparation, know what you want, without forgetting to prepare yourself psychologically and spiritually if you are of a religious faith. It is also necessary to go to people who have experience, in order to acquire the necessary tools for marriage. First of all, choose a person for the journey, try to build and perfect the relationship during the journey.
What are the ingredients for a strong pair?
The ingredients start with listening. Listen, not to respond, but to understand the other’s needs, expectations, and deep hopes. The second ingredient is to seek to know oneself, to know the psychology of the other. We must not forget other elements, such as respect, understanding and consideration for others.
In your experience, what breaks couples most these days?
There are three things: ignorance, immaturity and unconsciousness. Another thing is that many people marry “lovers’ laws”. While this love only lasts a maximum of two years after marriage. We do not get married just because we fell in love, because falling in love does not mean that we love someone, but that we can learn to love them. Another reason when the relationship lacks soul, maturity and depth, this can lead to breakup.
Does sexuality occupy a specific place in the breakup?
Sexuality is the result of the maturity of the relationship. When there is a satisfying sexuality, it indicates that the couple has a balanced life. The sexual act finds its fullness when there is a community, a participation in life. Infidelity, for example, is not a cause of divorce or separation, but rather consequences. The other installs this as a mechanism to fill a void.
How to deal with these factors that can break the marriage?
It is necessary to be accompanied by a marriage counselor because it is someone who is equipped and qualified for this. Today, one can not get married without seeking a specialist to accompany you. This will allow you to understand the very meaning of marriage. There are three kinds of marriages today: modernism, religion and tradition. In synergy, these three values must be together to help the couple achieve balance.
When should you be accompanied? Only when there is a problem or even when everything is in order?
At my level, I start following them on their path, and even when you have no one in your life, you can try to understand what marriage is before you commit. So there is the journey, then the engagement stage, then the preparation for the marriage and finally support for two years after the marriage. It is therefore necessary to follow up with the couple, up to two years after the wedding. Then we take a break and then recycling times. You need to know that in order for a couple to be in balance, they must be between 15 and 18 years of marriage. So the accompaniment of a therapist is important because there are stages of crisis that you will encounter as you develop and it is the therapist who will announce them to you.
What is the behavior to adopt when faced with a difficulty in the couple?
We must listen to each other, seek to understand the needs of the other. Also ask yourself the question, I do not exaggerate often, I do not exaggerate it. Above all, we must avoid touching the values we have built together, regardless of the problem. And beyond that, come to recognize the frustrations and regard them as waves that we do not retain. You also need to know how to express your dissatisfaction in non-violence. You should try to identify the cause of the problem, keep a cool head, not say hurtful words that risk questioning everything you have already built. It is important to know that conflicts are natural and normal.
Regardless of the degree of love and compatibility between a man and a woman, there will be times when their relationship will be conflict-filled. It is useless and even inadvisable to have a couple who have no conflicts. Conflicts make it possible to reveal things we do not know about the other, and cause each spouse to question himself or herself. And in any conflict, there is always a lesson to be learned. Conflicts are therefore natural, necessary and compelling. But we must make the difference between conflict and domestic violence. It is when conflicts are not controlled that it breeds violence.
Does faith play an important role in an association?
Above all, it must be said that love is spiritual. And speaking of faith, you need to know that it does not make things easy, but rather accessible and possible. Faith enables us to possess the things of the world in order to possess that which belongs to the kingdom of God. A couple who put their life beliefs in their spiritual beliefs are a couple who have benchmarks and indicators. They are a couple who live in hope and who have the ability to overcome trials because they believe in the strength of their God who can help them. Experience today shows that couples who are very spiritual are not only the ones who last the longest and are the ones who have the ability to overcome trials. So we can say that faith is very important. A mature faith that shapes, transforms and rebuilds.
How do you adapt to the not always pleasant character of the other in the couple?
The behavior is commanded by something. Behind the action of the other that bothers us is because there was something. If your partner has a certain behavior, it means that the behavior is sponsored. So first you need to get to know the person and sometimes get help because some behaviors are symptoms of a malaise and not the cause. It is a message from the person revealing discomfort, a sleeping wound from the past, etc. It is therefore necessary to seek to discover the real cause that makes a person have such behavior. The spouse can help find this cause, but it is always better to get help from a specialist.
Do you have one last word?
It is to encourage young people who want to get married to seek support and be listened to, to be well prepared. This will prevent them from re-entering the marriage just because they fell in love. But go beyond understanding the inherent values that one must acquire before getting married.
Interview by Armelle Ouédraogo / Yaméogo