What if divorce was synonymous with future happiness? For NEON, three divorced confided in until their separation, less than six months after their marriage. A prelude to longer, more beautiful and more harmonious weddings.
HAVEafter three years with Covid and postponed weddings, 2022 marks the big comeback of three-piece suits and white dresses (it’s a cliché, we know that). In fact, the number of unions celebrated should increase by 20% this year, according to Anaïs Cesto, communications manager for the website mariages.net, interviewed by She. But sometimes beautiful things come to an end … As Stromae would say, “whoever says marriage, says divorce”. Take effect, almost every second marriage (45%) ends in divorce according to INSEE, and 18% of children today live in a single-parent family. Among couples who break up, some get divorced less than six months after saying yes. Guilt, liberation, family understanding … Those who have experienced it tell their experience to NEON. And if that can reassure some people, they have now all been happily married for more than ten years.
“I took my fins, a backpack and left”
The reasons for a separation can be several: social pressure, dysfunctions in the couple, routine and boredom that settles … Sometimes only a few months after giving the ring on the finger. But “this time must be put into perspective”, moderates Raphaëlle de Foucauld, couple therapist, general practitioner in positive psychology and creator of the podcast The bubble of happiness. “These couples who explode after D-Day have usually lived together for more than ten years. It is very rare to get married when you know the person for a short time. In my opinion, the more years the couple has spent together, the more likely it is reveal errors “she adds, unaware that she is repeating the story of Stephanie, 34 years old at the time of her marriage.
The young woman had just passed the milestone of 7 years of relationship with her buddy, in a distance relationship, when their family presented the idea of marriage to them for the second time. Although she is not convinced, she allows herself to be led by the hand to the altar. This is where she begins to wither. The couple quickly moves into separate bedrooms and Stéphanie quickly gets bored. She loses a lot of weight, “it looked like I was getting out of chemo,” she says. But her parents encourage her to continue the relationship, because “at home we will not be divorced”.
One day, after five months of marriage, I hit a truck with my car. It was the trigger: I thought back to when I was younger, and I looked at couples in restaurants that had nothing to say to each other, and thought I would never be in this situation … And yet I had come to this ! I was suffocated at the thought that my life was going to be like this forever, it was unthinkable for me to have a child with him. So two weeks after this car accident, I took my diving fins, a backpack and a wedding present and left. The few months that followed were the most beautiful moments of my life I had no more to lose.
Seven months after leaving her husband, Stéphanie became pregnant with her new buddy, with whom she has shared her life for 14 years now. “I do not regret anything,” she smiles.
Free yourself from trauma and overcome shame
Stephanie has managed to throw it all away and listen to her heart, and that is usually the biggest challenge for these women and men who stand in a dead end in their marriage. One might think that it is easier to divorce shortly after marriage because there are no children or real estate in common e.g. But “the family is attached to the spouse, we feel guilt, there can also be a sense of failure”, explains Raphaëlle de Foucauld. “Getting over such a separation can also be difficult: people lose confidence, feel ashamed… ”, She continues.
Marianne, 42, had the bitter experience of it when she left the marital home barely a month after saying “yes”. A heavy and painful decision that gave this artisan many sleepless nights:
I saw my ex-spouse twice and each time he was going crazy. He made me feel very guilty, through messages and calls … Everything was my fault according to him. In addition, our companies collaborated, so I had to go to his office to work. For three years I was not calm when I went there. I did not eat anymore, I did not sleep anymore, it was a very difficult period.
Listen to your inner voice
If there was any advice to follow as your wedding approached, or before the request, to avoid such situations? “Listen to your little inner voice,” hammers the creator of the podcast Happy bubble. When “the social pressure around marriage becomes too strong, we hide the little voice in our heart that tells us it’s not a good idea“, she sums up to explain this phenomenon of short marriages. In fact, this social pressure can become a poison that intervenes in the future bride and groom’s unconscious with insidious little sentences uttered by relatives:” when should you get married? “,” when should you have a child? “,” You’ve been together a long time now, do not you want to make it official? “
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If the person at first manages to listen to his strong inner self, which whispers to him that there is a problem, the social noise sometimes takes over and the first shout is completely muffled, as stated by all the respondents in our call of witnesses. You all heard this inner murmur, and no one listened to it. Marianne, for example, felt it strongly the day before her wedding, at the age of 30, when a very violent quarrel with her future ex-spouse broke out.
The evening after, I cried alone in my room. As a result, on D-Day, I was physically present but mentally absent. I also felt very bad on the wedding night, I had the feeling of “going to the forehead”. But already a week before, I had told my parents that I did not want to marry her. But the machine was launched, they told me it was stressed at the approach of marriage …
A point that the couple therapist thrives on: “Preparing for marriage takes several years, involves money and relatives, so stopping everything requires courage.” A courage that Marianne would have liked before she got the ring on her finger: “For the anecdote, two days before the ceremony, I went to the restaurateur and he was in a panic because an upcoming groom had just canceled his order on the day itself. for her wedding. In that moment, I envied this stranger for having managed to do what I was unable to do. Oddly enough, after the wedding, I felt more legitimate to file for divorce. “
Moreover, this difficult pass, like Stephanie, was followed by a happy ending for Marianne. Three years after her divorce, she met her son’s father, with whom she is still with today.
“On my wedding night I said to myself ups! I did something stupid”
Raphaëlle De Foucauld insists that a divorce does not happen by chance: it is due to a large number of invisible dysfunctions, such as the sunken part of an iceberg that only reveals itself after several months, even years. It is therefore, according to the therapist, to quickly address the crucial issues of a life together before any commitment: the desire for children, the age difference if any, the traits that worry in the other … “The Rituals of Preparation for Marriage in “Religions can also help in that regard. For example, I have been in therapy with a couple who realized in front of the altar that they absolutely did not have the same desires for the future,” says the therapist.
And once we’ve got things in order, it’s important to keep in mind, “that we do not want to change the other,” she adds. Therefore, if the differences are too great, it is better not to continue, even if it means breaking your heart. Pierre-Michel, 59, would have liked to have learned this when he was 32.
I married a woman who was 14 years older than me. I was not in love, but it was a pleasant relationship: she reassured me, she did not judge me, she was caring. Unlike me, she was very loving. When I was in bed the night of the wedding, I said to myself, “oops, I was doing something stupid”.
Due to doubts, Pierre-Michel has gradually detached himself from his relationship with his wife in order to discover another. A new colleague who has become “the love of her life”, in her own words. As she enters the room where he is, the second their eyes meet, it is love at first sight. She is also married. But a few weeks later, they succumb to each other during a professional trip to Casablanca, Morocco. “We took hands as two teenagers, remember, moved, Pierre-Michel. And finally Friday, when I returned home, I was disturbed but determined to commit to my new relationship. Saturday morning I broke up with my wife. the message was complicated for her to deal with, she attempted suicide, I felt a lot of guilt. ” But he never regretted his choice. A few years later, he remarried, this time to his dream woman – also previously divorced. Together they have two children and have been spinning the perfect love for more than 20 years.
For a happy marriage, it does not need to rain
However, it is not so easy to follow the path of Pierre-Michels and his Juliette, Raphaëlle De Foucauld remembers, because “a happy marriage is demanding”. In fact, it’s above all a matter of being benevolent to oneself and one’s partner, of sharing time together to “put firewood in the fireplace and light the flame again. But we take care of work first, friends, children, home “couple comes last”, she regrets. Furthermore, when two dwarf parrots have the feeling of being moved and being in a difficult time, the therapist advises them to “talk about the couple, two adventures and the shared memories”, for again to focus on elements that welded the spouses.
These three life stories, both happy and unhappy, finally prove that the first time is not necessarily the right one, and that the courage to leave sometimes opens the way to a life full of love … This time for the better.
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