“I take nothing from my husband to give to my lover”

Psycho and sex

“Love in the majority” is a summer series that will talk about love in its various forms: self-love and acceptance, sexuality or the forms of love that our parents knew less. In this first issue, we talk about polyamory, but what is it?

A not so new kind of love

Contrary to many people’s beliefs, these forms of love are far from new. In fact, as early as 1929, Jean paul Sartre and Simone de Beauvoir had entered into a “poly-fidelity pact”. In 2006, a book was written on this subject by Hazel Rowley, Face-to-face.

It was in the 1990s that the term “polyamory” came into use, a contraction of the Greek polymany and Latin love Love, through a forum on the subject.

Polyamory is “an ethic of romantic relationships where the partners are in a romantic relationship with more than one personwith informed consent of all affected. »

It should not be confused polyamory with:

  • Polygamy: one person is related to several other people. Generally it is a man and his companions are not allowed to have boyfriends. But in polyamory, everyone has the same rights.
  • Freshness / prey: Two couples temporarily switch partners. This practice is only sexual, while there is an affective dimension in polyamory.
  • The free relationship: An open relationship is a non-monogamous relationship where members of the couple have sex with other people.

Meeting with Helena and Stephanie

We met Helena*, a 34-year-old young woman who is in a relationship that she defines as plural or multiple: “I do not want to describe myself as polyamorous or in an open relationship. My starting point is that I meet someone. I like her and I’m not sure where it will go, so I always give myself the chance to fall in love with someone. But that’s not necessarily what I’m looking for […] I’m talking about multiple or plural relationships. »

She met her main companion at the end of the first imprisonment. Because of the covid, they stayed together, but then they each started dating other people, a woman for him and a couple for her. Most recently, she also met her boyfriend’s boyfriend: “It’s recently in the sense that my boyfriend’s boyfriend, I met her in January, looked after a year and a half because we both wanted to get to know each other.”

In her previous relationships, Helena felt judged by her libido : “I perceived that my partners felt in danger in their” safety “if I wanted to look elsewhere. […] I had a first majority relationship, which did not work for that reason either. My energy flowed towards him. “Today she feels more happy.

It always scares me, it’s never over, it’s really evolving. You can change in relation to the other person and they can change thanks to people who are not you and therefore you do not really have control over anything. So yes, it’s scary.

For Helena, the two key points in a majority relationship are: announcement andorganization !
“For example, we have a common calendar because we realized that sometimes for me it’s more important to sleep together […] and just say that it was no longer enough, because sometimes things get poorly noted in the diary.

When we ask Helena what messages she would like to convey, she replies: “We have to deconstruct the roles imposed on us. Stop jumping on a model, it takes a lot of effort tobe happy. You need to overcome the fear of doing things differently, consider doing things differently and look for people who suit you and at the same time find things you do not necessarily like and know how to recognize them and distance yourself from them. Sometimes you have to too be alone to understand and not be afraid of loneliness. »

To read> Willow, the 20-year-old daughter of Will Smith, advocates “polyamory”

Stephanie is 45 years old, she is married and forms what is called one quadthat is, she and her spouse are in a polyamorous relationship with another couple. Stephanie maintains the relationship with the woman and the man, while her husband only maintains it with the woman.

“It started on mutual friends’ birthday, I was in love with the other lady. We were not polyamorous, neither were they. But once in the car, my friend and I sensed that something was happening. He who is enough cashtold me “well me, I would have kidnapped him with us! and I said yes. But for our friends it is not done, it is not good. So the day after when we woke up […] we had a nice little message on Facebook. As 14-year-olds, we sat in bed, I wrote, deleted, wrote […] and that’s how it started! »

You do not have to look, it falls on you like that. We do not specifically pray that it happens, because even though it is a lot of happiness, it sometimes complicates life.

Outsiders think it’s great, but that’s not always the case, she says. In fact, it takes a lot discussionsof announcement and know how to putwater in his wine.

Point of the organization will return here again, as in Helena’s testimony. “When it comes to meetings, it is sometimes complicated. They have a 17-year-old teenager and he will not understand what his father is doing with another woman and his mother with another man. So when you need to prepare for the holidays, the dates should suit everyone! It really is an extended couple ”

Relating to jealousy, she tells us this: “Yes, there is jealousy, we say ‘it stings’, and we debrief at 4 o’clock that way we know what to pay attention to and what to avoid in order to hurt people without noticing But it’s clear I have an easy way, it’s that she’s the woman in my life, I love her, like I’ve never loved another woman.

Like Helena, Stéphanie previously did not understand why it should be necessary to trust one pre-designed template.

For Stephanie, it’s one feminist actionfor it is a bit like asserting oneself as a woman and proving that it is not only men who can have more wives.

I take nothing from my husband to give to my lover. I take nothing from my lover and my husband to give to my mistress.

Having a lover allows her to make up for the shortcomings in her relationship with her husband: “I, I take as my starting point the principle thatwe do not eat from the same plate every day, it’s not nice what I say, but that’s how it is. What you do not find in your spouse can force you to leave him for someone else, so take the step towards polyamory. »

Regarding the gaze of others, as Stéphanie aptly puts it: “He who does not like it, he turns his head”!

Further

  • “Dare to Polyamory” (2020) by Eve de Candaulie, La Musardine, 157 p.

Here is the essential guide for all those who want to embark on this adventure, which for many seems to be an alternative to the traditional married life, without going through the lie of infidelity.

  • “Fluid” (2021) by Benjamin Adam, Safieddine Joseph & Cadène Thomas,Dargaud, 100 s.

Hector and Sacha are friends and co-authors of comics. While Hector spins the perfect love with Jeanne, the latter tells him about her desire to have other sexual experiences and invites her buddy to feel free to do the same. Lost in this new setting of a free couple, Hector confides in Sacha, an eternal bachelor fascinated by the idea but no more comfortable putting it into practice! Like when working on a story, they decide to combine their imagination to find the strength to act and share this adventure. From this pact is born “William”, a fictional personality that one or the other supports with each new experience, until the day when everything goes wrong …

  • “Sex according to Maïa. Beyond received ideas” (2020) by Maïa Mazaurette, La Martiniere Eds De, 234s.

Since November 2015, Maïa Mazaurette has written the section “Sex according to Maïa” in The world. This forum is regularly the most read and commented on by the publications World, analyzes our representation of the body, our sexual practices as well as our imagination. An approach that particularly resonates in the #metoo movement, where the concepts of sex and gender, consent and pleasure, risk and seduction are widely discussed. With a credo: sex should bring us together instead of splitting us up.

  • “More than two” (2014) by Franklin Veaux & Eve Rickert, Thorntree Press, 504s.

Practical guide to ethical polyamory

*Alias

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