Behind the door | Polyamorous, but not “spoiled”

Élise * is open-minded, polyamorous in theory, but not very much in practice. Because it’s like that. Maintenance.

Posted at 4pm.

Silvia Galipeau

Silvia Galipeau
The press

“It’s not because we know everything, that we have to do everything,” sums up the thirty-year-old without a mobile phone (but that’s a completely different topic!), After a good hour and a half of trust, in a story as confused as it is unassuming, not always chronologically, though strangely didactic.

The young woman gave us an appointment at a beautiful cafe in Villeray that was relatively busy this little Monday morning in June. And rarely, in journalistic memory, have we met someone so uninhibited. At times disarming naturally, Élise relies on complete transparency without being disturbed in any way by the proximity of other clients: libido, trip three, even her female ejaculations, everything goes. Without filters or whisper. “We have a prostate!”, She even laughs.

Where does this openness come from? No idea. “I have nothing to lose,” she replies simply. I do not feel like I am losing anything by what people know about me. »

Her first time? “I think I was 18,” she replies, thinking. Finally, if we mean by first time: first relationship to vaginal penetration, ”she nuances. And no, that’s not a euphemism for something else. Even quite painful. “But it got better with time. »

The relationship with this first lover met online (“and all my friends, that was it: internet dating”) lasted three years. To relax and pass the pain, Élise stimulates herself at the same time, she remembers. “And I kept that habit. All the time…”

So in her early twenties, after a few “explorations”, “hugs”, but never again (“I’ve never had a complete relationship with people I was not officially in a relationship with”), she meets a new lover, a guy with a physical disability, in a wheelchair that she falls deeply in love with. “I was in love! The story lasts two years.

In bed ? “We adapted! She laughs.” We could not have stood up, let’s say. She does not elaborate on the subject. It is, above all, the gaze of others that she remembers. “It was really uncomfortable. So we did not go out often …”

When the story ends, in the mid-twenties, Élise is “ruined”. “I was shouting all the time. I was obsessed with the idea of ​​coming back with him.”

And then a twist. Barely a few months later, Élise meets her current “life partner”. That was 10 years ago.

She has not said a word about her famous polyamorous side yet, but we guess she will finally get there. “My girlfriend knew I had it in the course of my life,” she slips suddenly here. Oh good ? That’s because she did not tell us everything.

Allow me to deviate: in fact, in her early twenties, in her exploration phase, Élise had an affair with a guy in an open couple. A “sensual sexual” relationship, without penetration (because Élise does not go “all the way” if she is not in a relationship, as we have said), not genitals at all actually, but no less intimate. The guy in question was therefore in a relationship (his girlfriend “ben chill” was pregnant at the time they are still together, three children later), and their exploration was more “ideological” than practical, we understand. Kisses and hugs included. “I have read a lot about the relational hierarchy, the compression (the opposite of jealousy) […] And in the polyamorous structure, I was part of one polycule “, she explains. End in parentheses.

Yet her current spouse (her husband and also the father of her children) was therefore aware of this past experience.

Me, I have no problem being with the same person all my life, but if we fall in love with someone else, I want us to be able to arrange something around that reality.

Elise, 37 years old

example? “For me, having a feeling for someone else does not mean the end of the relationship.”

And where does this openness come from? “I do not know,” said the young woman, shrugging. I do not like binary and sliced ​​things. It has always been clear in my head that it is not just serial monogamy. »

Such a day, a few months before their wedding, she “lent” her lover to a friend. She tells about the adventure while laughing. “They wanted me to stay in the room,” she said, smiling. Yeah, that was actually a little weird. But no, she did not feel jealous. “Zero,” she insists. “And I’m glad to see that I carry it in me compression. I would much rather this friend go to something safe than go to another guy. »

We will spare you the details, but her husband ended up developing a relationship with that girl for a few months. They also made one trip three with Élise. Results? We do not really know. “Funny,” she says simply. For her part, our interlocutor has experienced something with a longtime friend. “We were in a romantic relationship,” she says, but I think I never kissed him. I do not really like to kiss! »

All this ended when Élise became pregnant in recent years. Twice instead of once. Moreover, no, she has not seen her libido decrease with her pregnancies. On the contrary. ” Not me. ”

We see that through all these stories, the young woman finally told us very little about her intimacy with her husband. “It’s going well! Really, really well,” she replies, examples of female ejaculation in support. “I physically feel more and more things, and so does he!”

Admittedly, the spontaneity took a bit of the edge off with their little kids. And she’s not sure she’s going to relive polyamory either. “My enthusiasm is quickly dampened,” she notes. Even though I have an opening, I probably will not go back there. »

When I think about it, Élise finally sees herself as a “relational anarchist”: “it could suit me, too,” she says, explaining to us these various concepts with a clear concern for clarity. “We adapt what is according to the individual’s needs. And it fluctuates over time. »

Moral? Yes, she is open, “but you do not have to explore everything,” she insists. “It is not cut with a knife: monogamists have long and wise relationships. And the others are very corrupt!”

Fictitious first name, to protect his anonymity.

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