Couples: How do you easily identify your REAL basic needs in your relationship?

We all enter into a relationship because we need to love and be loved, to feel valued and safe. But these are not the only basic needs that every person seeks in a romantic association. So what are the other valuable things?

The problem is that we can rarely articulate our basic needs in a relationship because we have never thought about them. As a result, we start dating a new person in the hopes that they will make us feel comfortable, but that never happens.

To avoid another romantic disappointment, you should start identifying your relationship needs. Once you have a clear structure of your needs, it will be much easier for you to pull towards the right partners instead of wasting time on dead end relationships.

So how do you know what’s good for you? Read on to find out.

Basic needs in a relationship: What are they?

Human needs can be classified into several categories, such as physical, financial, emotional needs, etc. However, the majority of relationship needs are psychological.

The most basic are:

  • Affection (romantic gestures, words of love and sex)
  • Respect (your opinion matters to the other person)
  • Appreciation (receive gratitude and praise)
  • Security (physical and emotional security)
  • Loyalty (partners are loyal to each other)
  • Trust (transparency in all aspects of life)

You can also prioritize these concepts and decide which ones are basic and which ones are more or less flexible.

For example, trust and loyalty are your top priorities and you want your partner to respect them. So if someone is lying to you or cheating on you, it is a breach of contract.

At the same time, you are used to talking about your feelings, but you do not mind that your partner does not share much because they are reserved or shy.

In essence, each person must determine their own needs and seek a partner who has similar values.

Can basic relationship needs vary from person to person?

We value all similar things that are fundamental to building a lasting relationship, such as love, passion, support, etc. But do we value them equally?

Clearly, the answer is “no” because each person has their own hierarchy of needs. This means that a specific need, such as raising children, may not be as important as emotional comfort in a relationship for one person, but is a priority for another.

What does it depend on? Studies show that the distribution of values ​​depends mainly on age. But there are other factors, such as family traditions, culture, upbringing, social circle and personal traits.

Although basic needs like support and compassion are present in everyone’s belief system about healthy relationships, their significance may vary from individual to individual.

How do you determine your relational needs?

Once you know your basic needs, you can decide who you want to engage with by consciously or unconsciously comparing your needs and the other person’s ability to meet them.

Without a clear value system, you can get lost in a relationship and do things you do not like.

But do not be afraid. The following techniques will help you on the right path to determining your basic needs.

1. Identify your love language

Love Language is a concept first described in the 1990s by Gary Chapman, Ph.D. They are basically how we receive and express affection in our relationships.

If you can identify your language of love, you can better understand your basic needs in a relationship.

There are five love languages:

  • physical touch
  • affirmative words
  • quality time
  • To receive gifts
  • Service actions

To find out which of these languages ​​is yours, choose one thing from the options below that is most meaningful in a relationship. Each option corresponds to the previous list of love languages.

What means the most to you:

  • Walks down the street holding hands, hugging and kissing.
  • When your partner says words of love to you or compliments and congratulates you.
  • Spend most evenings and weekends together.
  • When your loved one often surprises you with gifts
  • Convenient care and support, such as help with household chores or breakfast in bed.

Any language of love can be translated into basic needs: physical touch equals physical intimacy and sex; words of emotional support; receiving gifts is synonymous with attention; service actions are performed through helping and supporting, and quality time means devotion.

2. Decide what is currently making you happy or crazy.

You can use a simple exercise to determine what you like or dislike in a relationship. So let’s start by identifying the things you enjoy.

Write “I like when / It’s amazing when” on a sheet of paper at least 10 to 15 times. Then find a suitable ending. You can use current or past conditions as an example. The things you wrote down are your needs.

If you can not clearly define what is most important to you in a relationship, try the opposite approach. It is about highlighting qualities or actions that you consider unacceptable. And again, take a sheet of paper and write “I can not stand / hate when” several times and complete each sentence.

For example, let’s say you wrote: “I hate it when my partner leaves dirty dishes in the sink. That means you value cleanliness as a quality of your loved ones and want them to see cleaning as rewarding work, not frustrating.

Go through the whole list and add more sentences like this when you remember something else. At this point, you can write as much as you want. Later you will learn to distinguish between core values ​​and desirable but not required values.

Set your priorities

Now that you have a list of needs, it’s time to decide what should be. It is normal to have many criteria and to aim for perfection. But unfortunately, you probably will not find someone who meets all your requirements.

The following method should help you narrow down your needs to five or seven essential things. So far, you have about 15 on the list from the previous chapter. Then write down your needs on small pieces of paper and place them in front of you on a table or other surface.

Now imagine crossing a river, but to enter the bridge you must leave an object. What will it be? Repeat the same exercise until you have five to seven things without which you can not imagine a romantic relationship. Of course, the number may be higher depending on your personality.

The last step is to sort your concentrated needs according to their importance. It’s an effective way to find out what you’re looking for in a relationship in the first place and move on if they are not there.

4. Discuss your needs with your partner

This conversation is an effective way to check a couple’s compatibility and see if they see things the same way. In addition, it will compare your values ​​and limits and determine if you share them.

When should you start mentioning your basic needs? Topics like having children and spending money are a little cumbersome to discuss on the first date. Others, such as holiday preferences, can be treated at any time.

Generally, you have to wait for the 4th or 5th appointment. In the meantime, make sure there is chemistry and an emotional connection before discussing serious issues. Otherwise, there is no point in wasting time matching values.

Of course, your partner will disagree on several things or their priority. Many inequalities equate to less chance of this relationship succeeding in the long run.

But before you decide to break up, ask yourself the following questions:

  • Can your partner adapt to your beliefs over time?
  • If he can not, then you can bend your own rules?
  • Does this specific need, which you do not approve, outweigh the current relationship?

If both the first and second answers are “yes”, do not rush to say goodbye to your relationship. There is still hope of finding common ground.

5. Analyze your current relationship

If you are currently dating someone, you can analyze the existing romantic relationship to determine what is important to you.

Ask yourself the following questions and write down the answers:

The answers to these questions will reveal your true opinion about the components of an ideal relationship.

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