How to overcome the absence of desire in your relationship?

Probably driven by the subconscious desire to look like the heroines Sex and the City, we eat out every week with my friends Sandra, Myriam and Prune. The opportunity for us to take stock of our respective lives and the relationships that transport us (or not).

Last time Sandra therefore raised her glass to celebrate her three months together with her boyfriend. We heartily toasted her. She explained to us that it went even better than she had hoped. He was answered: “A good time”. She has never been so happy and we are super happy for her. We also love her boyfriend. She even claims it’s the real one.
– Oh, it is, are you sure?
– Oh yes, 100%. It’s the love of my life.
She sees herself with him forever or for a very long time anyway. We let out little squeals of joy. That’s it, the thorny search for love is apparently behind her. We enjoy her in this relief. Appetizers are served, and as soon as we plant our forks into our burratas, Sandra unconcernedly (and in what capacity?) adds an unexpected additional piece of information about her adventure:
– We don’t sleep together anymore.
Seeing our eyes widen for a brief moment at the news, she immediately regrets her confession. But it’s too late. Our questions merge:
-But why ?
-Why ?
– But he doesn’t have a problem with that?
– Are you talking about that?
– Are you still masturbating?

“I’m waiting for it to come back! »

It’s hard to know when it started. Between their four-year relationship, their practical discussions surrounding their move, their micro-disputes linked to the organization of all their projects, Sandra accuses them of being lazy, admitting to being sure of nothing. “So nothing final, right?” However, Myriam, who is her closest friend, in a relationship for ten years, does not hide her doubts in the matter. Daring even an acerbic: “The less we fuck, the less we fuck”, worthy of the best 68 punchlines. Prune and I remain silent as Sandra digests the remark. She tries one last: “I’m waiting for it to come back! »but terribly anxious by proxy, here we are invested in a mission: to open his eyes at any cost.

But if we return to the very definition of love, we can easily question this injunction about a necessarily very intense sex life. In his test, There is no perfect love, Francis Wolff defines it as a fusion of friendship, passion and desire. But by desire, we can also see it in a more global spectrum (not only sexual) as that of simply wanting the other’s company, carrying the confidence and the necessary energy to face all the obstacles in one’s couple.

art has just unveiled a documentary named no sex dedicated to abstinence, where an asexual couple does not hesitate to affirm: “We have noticed around us that sex brings a lot of problems”. Through this report we discover people who have renounced, in a desired or a little way, their sexuality. So that evening, influenced by all the good arguments of the speakers, I try one:
“What if Sandra was asexual? Finally, it’s possible and it doesn’t matter.

The desire works

The girls ignore my hypothesis and work to get Sandra out of what they consider to be a swamp.
– “Of course not. She’s just sweeping a breakdown under the carpet that she’s the only one who can fix.” Myriam is compelling, the couple is, according to her, “work”, and as unsexy as it may seem, desire is not exempt from it. She even met her boyfriend during their studies. Her boyfriend did exchange and internships everywhere. And instead of imitating Penelope by the odyssey ofHomer who weaves her shroud while she waits for him, so did she. When they were separated, they chose virtual sex. And when they finally found each other, they could unexpectedly face a period of breakdown. A period of adjustment was necessary for the desire to return. Making the analogy of quitting smoking when the tobacco specialist prescribes his patient to quit stimulants if morning coffee or beer after work makes him want to smoke, she recommends finding other habits. At the beginning of your sex life, you are used to taking advantage of every opportunity. The desire is constant and the injunctions to the frequency much heavier. Once this “youth” period has passed, it’s a matter of thinking about what really sparks your desire.

For Myriam, maintaining this uncertainty is linked to the beginning, when emotions overwhelm us, but we don’t know if they are shared. When we flirt in cafes, tell each other about our lives, kiss each other shyly on a piece of pavement, brush hands in the street or geek each other out at the cinema. What she evokes resonates, since after ten years with the couple and six years of living together, when they are together, you can see them embracing, talking closely to each other and giving each other tender and discreet gestures. Recently, Myriam described a rather beastly and unprecedented sex scene with her boyfriend and summed up that it was nice to still be surprised by the news after ten years. Time together is an underrated investment for his desire. But living together can have the opposite effect. “Sometimes when I wake up, just the thought of having it next to me available makes me lazy”. Desire spends her life appearing and disappearing.

The importance of knowing what arouses our desire

Prune, meanwhile, got together with her boyfriend a little before the birth. She is one of the few people who has room for quarantine. He lived in a roommate with his best friend in a 50m2. And Prune lived with them. “I am a repressed exhibitionist. When I’m with my boyfriend, and there’s even one person with us, I immediately get excited”. Thanks to the roommate’s presence, Prune and her boyfriend only slept together at first. I extend a special thought to this poor roommate who has been subject to a major sexual stimulator against his will and without his knowledge. It was risky, but it paid off, as Prune and her boyfriend immediately tried to settle down afterwards. Without a bystander, Prune realized she missed her kinky, and began to fear that he was irreplaceable. Then she and her boyfriend started dating again. And it came back. “I love the way he behaves in society. His piercing blue gaze plunges into others. He is polite, attentive, invested in his existence”. In the context of parties, it is quite common for them to disappear for about fifteen minutes to do their business and come back.

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